Tag: choices

The Three F-Words: Failure

The Three F-Words: Failure

By Michelle Barone, Moksha Grace Coaching

This is Part 2 of a three-part series, the Three F-Words. These are the three words that can tank your mindset, impact your performance (in your career, hobbies, and life), affect your relationships, and ultimately shape how you show up every day.

Today we’re talking about FAILURE.

I’d like to start with the definition of failure – a lack of success or the inability to meet an expectation.

As we live life we’re going to have challenges. That’s part of life. And with challenges come risks – risk of failure and risk of success.

If you never do anything, you’re risking success. By not taking any action, you’re not growing, learning, or moving forward. Essentially, you’re failing to live and failing to thrive.

However, if you try something new, take chances, or any other action that creates movement, even if it doesn’t go as planned, you’ve gained a new experience and new knowledge to move forward with.

From this perspective, failure is being in the same place next year as you are today.

Have you ever not gone for a promotion because you didn’t think you’d get it, so you just put your head down and kept at the monotony of your job? Have you ever avoided starting a romantic relationship because you figured you’d just break up at some point so why bother?

Never trying means stagnancy. It means no growth, no movement, no expansion, and no life.

Why do we stay stagnant?

Typically, we have some sort of emotional component leading us atray. Some of the common ones are:

  • Low self-esteem
  • Unworthiness
  • Fear

You might recall from last week’s newsletter – I described fear as that hairy beast that can be viewed as a teddy bear or a monster. Because, ultimately, fear is all in our minds. It’s an illusion. It’s evidence that we have convinced ourselves is real.

It’s ironic really. We fear failure so much that we desperately avoid it, and yet it’s been one of the most prevalent experiences of our lives.

As babies, we discover our hands then how to use them. We had to practice and develop our dexterity. When we dropped something for the first time, we didn’t think to ourselves, “Oh what a failure I am!”

When we took our first steps, we probably fell not long after. Then we got right back up and walked again. This time with a few extra steps.

Our focus was always on getting to where we wanted to go and learning what we wanted to learn. We inherently understood that falling over or dropping something was part of the learning process.

We figured out that if we pulled on Mom’s hair, she didn’t like that and we got in trouble. But if we gave Mom a hug, we were rewarded with a hug back.

Somewhere along the lines, however, one small failure planted the seed in our mind that there were “dangerous” consequences to failure. Maybe we asked someone out and they laughed at us. Maybe we took a joke too far and saw someone get really upset. Maybe we followed through with a double dog dare and ended up with a broken arm.

Then, because the human brain is designed to protect us, it created a belief that failure is dangerous. Every time we attempted something new and didn’t get exact results on the first try, it reinforced this belief.

What do all of these examples have in common? They’re all from the past.

If you’re finding yourself in the same place you’ve always been and itching to see change but are not actually taking any action, then your past – through old stories and old beliefs that you keep telling yourself – is in control of your present and future. Not you.

How and why? Fear. Everything always goes back to fear. It can be a hard pill to swallow, but there is only ever fear or love.

So let’s bring it back to the definition. Failure is a lack of success or the inability to meet an expectation.

The question is, whose expectations are you attempting to meet? More often than not, the expectations we’re chasing are not ours. They may feel like they’re ours, but where did we get them from? Our parents, our friends, our peers, society?

The same goes for success. Who defines your success? You, your mom, your partner, your boss, your family, society?

Sit down with these two questions and seriously consider the answers. I encourage you to go deeper with it by asking these questions for each area of your life where you feel stagnant or unhappy.

From there, spend some time determining what YOUR expectations are and what YOUR definition of success looks like. How can you move closer to those?

And so, failure is not a bad word. Failure is not something to desperately avoid. Failure is a sign of forward movement, of experimenting with something new.

Life isn’t about jumping to the end. If it was, you know there’d be a thousand gurus on LinkedIn selling you a course on how to do it.

Life is about relishing every step along the way of your personal journey and the experience and knowledge you gain.

So reach for the movement forward. Take the first step.

If you need help or guidance, find a coach you like and trust to guide you. That’s what we’re here for.

Meet the Author

Hi! I’m Michelle!


I am an Emotional Liberation Life Coach guiding clients through releasing limitations and learning to work with their emotions so that they can show up more fully in every area of their lives.


Together we uncover what’s really holding you back – the blocks, the emotions, the fears – and work together so that you can show up as your best self.


Learn More About: 1:1 Coaching | Group Coaching

Read More From the Emotional Mastery Vault

The Three F-Words: Frustration

The Three F-Words: Frustration

By Michelle Barone, Moksha Grace Coaching

This is Part 3 of a three-part series, the Three F-Words. These are the three words that can tank your mindset, impact your performance (in your career, hobbies, and life), affect your relationships, and ultimately shape how you show up every day.

We’re wrapping up with the final F-Word – Frustration.

I’m going to cut right to the chase today. Frustration is a catalyst for everything you desire.

Being frustrated is a feeling that comes from the pit of your stomach that builds and builds until it becomes too much to bear.

And when that happens then? You’ve got to release the pressure.

How do you do that? Step one is to pause and take a deep breath.
To let it out, you can explore methods like journaling, meditation, yoga, a walk in nature, or even a rage room if that’s more your cup of tea.

Most importantly, you need to pause. That way you’re not reacting from this place of frustration that can easily cross over into anger. Taking that moment to pause is going to help you remember what it is that’s really going on.

And sometimes the best thing to do is start asking questions after you’ve relieved that initial steam.

Questions like:

  • Where is this coming from?
  • Why am I feeling so frustrated?
  • What is it about this situation that’s causing me to be so frustrated?
  • Is it something that is in my control or is it something that is in someone else’s control?
  • Why is there a reason for me to be frustrated?
  • Is this frustration going to cause something to happen?

That last question is a doozy. Here’s the thing, if you react in frustration, it very well can cause a lot of bad things to happen. This is where we say or do things we don’t mean because our brains react out of flight or fight. This is where we see people act out of character.

On the flip side, frustration can also be good.

Particularly when learning or trying something new, frustration can be the motivation we need to keep trying.

My favorite example of this is a few years ago on a family vacation to the Florida Keys. My husband and I got in ahead of everyone else and decided to drop the boat before the rest of the family arrived so we were ready to hop on the water.

The only problem was it was just the two of us. Usually, our son backs the truck up to the water and my husband handles the boat, but my son hadn’t arrived yet, so it was my time to shine!

How I’d gone that long without ever doing this is beyond me. Anyway, the frustration set in quick. I was frustrated with myself that I was so nervous that I doubted my ability. I’d driven the truck countless times and it turned out to be quite easy.

Frustration set in again when I got back to the hotel and I was determined to park the trailer. I couldn’t do it on the first try. Or the second. Or the third. And so, as frustration was teetering on the line of anger, I stopped and asked myself –

  • What’s gonna happen if I try and teach myself?
  • What’s the worst thing that’s gonna happen?
  • Who says I have to get it perfect on the first try?

I took another deep breath and persisted. I nailed it on attempt number four.

When you persevere, you’re going to teach yourself something. Whether it’s more patience, kindness, compassion, a new skill, etc. That perseverance is going to pay off in the end, even if it’s somewhere down the line.

So what do we know? We know that it’s okay to be frustrated, and use that frustration to power through, but it is NOT okay to react from a place of anger.

And to slip from frustration into anger is so easy. Let’s dissect why.

You’ve heard me say it before, in every moment, we can choose to come from love or fear.

And so, when frustration arises, you have a choice to make. You can react from a place of love and take a deep breath and use that frustration to push through. OR you can react from fear and allow bad behaviors to take over.

You get to decide.

How do you make love your dominant reaction? 

You constantly redirect yourself until it is. Ask yourself those questions like:

  • What do I need to believe to come from a place of love?
  • What do I need to think to come from a place of love?
  • Is this something that I can control?
  • Is this something that I can change?

In doing so, the frustration disappears. Now you can move forward from love.

If the situation is something you can change, take the next first step in the desired direction. If you can’t change the situation, focus on shifting your response.

Because here’s the thing – there is a lot going on in the world right now. And honestly, none of us can single-handedly change it. However, we can change how we respond to what’s happening.

We can be frustrated at the grocery store, but we can’t speed up the cashiers or open a new checkout lane. We can be frustrated in traffic, but we can’t move the cars out of the way or make an accident disappear.

We can, however, take those moments as signs that we’re supposed to take a pause, take a breath, and remember what’s really important to us.

Are you going to allow frustration to rule your life? Or are you going to practice transmuting that frustration into love?

Every day you have that choice.

If it feels like frustration is constantly blocking you from reaching greatness, advancing in your career, enjoying your relationships, or even just enjoying life, I’d love to dive into that with you and show you the way out. It starts with a free Compatibility Call. Book Here

Meet the Author

Hi! I’m Michelle!


I am an Emotional Liberation Life Coach guiding clients through releasing limitations and learning to work with their emotions so that they can show up more fully in every area of their lives.


Together we uncover what’s really holding you back – the blocks, the emotions, the fears – and work together so that you can show up as your best self.


Learn More About: 1:1 Coaching | Group Coaching

Read More From the Emotional Mastery Vault

The Three F-Words: Fear

The Three F-Words: Fear

By Michelle Barone, Moksha Grace Coaching

This is Part 1 of a three-part series, the Three F-Words. These are the three words that can tank your mindset, impact your performance (in your career, hobbies, and life), affect your relationships, and ultimately shape how you show up every day.

To kick us off we’re starting with – FEAR.

If our hearts know:

  • What we want;
  • Who we want to be;
  • Where we want to go in life;
  • Who we really are inside;

Then what’s keeping us from living that life? What’s keeping us from showing up for the people we care about, working toward our goals, and chasing our dreams?

Simply, fear.

We’ve learned to be afraid. As we grew up, our different experiences taught us what to be afraid of. These would be the things we experienced directly and the things we observed from the environment around us.
Not every experience turned into a lifelong fear though. Like when we fell learning how to walk as a baby but got back up. Or when we got back on the bike after the first crash to the ground.

Other times we pushed through fears and found that the experience wasn’t so bad. Like when we showed up for the first day of school terrified but found that our classes were easy to find and we made friends easily.

I know all the parents will relate to this one – I was scared to death to have my first child. But I did it anyway. Now I have two amazing, beautiful (grown) kids.

Fear – and I’m sure you’ve heard this – stands for:
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

That’s what it is – false evidence.

Fears are false evidence created from old beliefs and twisted memories. They’re illusions our minds create to keep us safe from, most often, exaggerated or unrealistic threats.

[Some fears are completely realistic and should be listened to – we’re not talking about those.]

How is the false evidence affecting us now?

Take a look at where you’re not doing something, not trying something, or not saying something because you’re afraid.

What if we fall? What if we fail? What if we disappoint? What if that person gets upset with us? What if the relationship ends?

Pushing through fear is something that must be learned and it takes practice. You have to learn how to look within and question, what is this about? Where did it come from?

Sometimes it can be helpful to look at what it’s costing you. Fear often costs you your dreams, your aspirations, your goals, your relationships, your future relationships, etc.

Maybe you were once so afraid that you didn’t want to go out and do something, like take yourself to dinner, where you might have met the man or woman of your dreams. You may have had the experience of a lifetime. But instead, you sat at home. As icing on the cake, you probably convinced yourself it was “a waste of time anyway” instead of acknowledging the fear.

I remember when I was so afraid to go parasailing. I thought there was no way I’d trust a parachute and there was zero possibility of it. But then I was on vacation (before kids) and the opportunity presented itself, so I said yes on a whim. I remember the moment the boat pulled away and I flew up into the air. On the videotape, you can hear me screaming.

But when I took a deep breath and opened my eyes, the view was like a dream. I could see the clouds in the sky with me, the specks of people on the beach, and the water below me. Luckily I didn’t see any big shadows swimming next to the boat. When I embraced the moment, I realized it was actually an amazing experience that I’ll surely never forget.

And so, I’ll ask you, how many experiences are you keeping yourself from because of fear?

Still not sure? Take a look at where you are making up reasons why you can’t do something. This is a real tricky strategy that fear will utilize to keep you stuck. After all, the main job of fear is to keep you safe. Put another way, fear keeps you where you’re comfortable – even if that means dangerous or exhausting environments or circumstances.

If we continually listen to fear, we risk never doing, achieving, or becoming who and what we’re meant to.

Right now, think of one thing you’ve been putting off. What if one year from now you never made the move? Or took the chance? Or jumped at the opportunity?

Would that be worse than taking action now?

Because here’s the truth – even if you fall short or it doesn’t work out, you’re now a different person with a new experience to guide you. You will have learned something that you can use when you take the next step.

My daughter is a brilliant Fractional COO and she tells me all the time, “It’s very rare that anything is a life-ending fire. Take a breath and take the next step.”

And so, the question of the ages – how do we stop fear?

It’s true, fear is a hairy beast. But so is a teddy bear. They’re just packaged differently.

Why don’t we try thinking of fear differently?

Such as thinking of fear as a warning sign. A warning sign meant to make us pause, take a breath, consider the outcomes, and then move forward knowing that the benefits outweigh the risks and we’re sure in our decision.

If the fear feels overwhelming, ask it some questions. Fear loves to talk.

Some great questions to ask are:

  • Do I really want this?
  • Why is this bothering me so much?
  • What am I really afraid of?
  • What’s the worst thing that could possibly happen and how likely is it?
  • When did I first feel this fear? What does this remind me of?

From there, the choice is yours. You can make your decision from fear or you can make your decision from love.

Do what you want, be who you want to be, but face those fears. Then thank them. Take away their power and give it back to your heart.

Meet the Author

Hi! I’m Michelle!


I am an Emotional Liberation Life Coach guiding clients through releasing limitations and learning to work with their emotions so that they can show up more fully in every area of their lives.


Together we uncover what’s really holding you back – the blocks, the emotions, the fears – and work together so that you can show up as your best self.


Learn More About: 1:1 Coaching | Group Coaching

Read More From the Emotional Mastery Vault

The Choice is Yours

The Choice is Yours

By Michelle Barone, Moksha Grace Coaching

Is it better for life to be hard, day in and day out, with few changes? Or is it better to be uncomfortable for a short time, but get good consequences in return?

Think about where you were last year or a couple of years ago. Think about the job you had, the relationships you were in, the car you were driving, etc.

Here’s the thing, no matter what you choose, life can be uncomfortable.

  • It can be uncomfortable to leave a relationship and be alone.
  • It can be uncomfortable to find a new job when, if it weren’t for that one toxic boss, you’re in the perfect position.
  • It can be uncomfortable to set boundaries with a parent who grew up in a different culture.
  • It can be uncomfortable to cut back on spending to reduce debt when you’re used to a certain lifestyle.

All of these things may be uncomfortable in the short term, but realistically, once you find your footing you start to move forward.

Alternatively, life can be really hard, if you let it.

  • It can be hard to stay in a relationship until you both hate each other, making life challenging for the whole family.
  • It can be hard to stay in a toxic career and find yourself losing your relationships with your family, losing sleep, and facing chronic health conditions.
  • It can be hard to cut off a parent completely because you are too stressed and overwhelmed to have a challenging conversation.
  • It can be hard to have your card declined at the grocery store because you kept spending with no regard for your income.

So when we talk about hard vs. uncomfortable, we can look at the consequences.

What would it mean for you to stay exactly where you are right now?

[P.S. For those of you who are very happy with your life, that is outstanding! Keep it up! Read along for how you may be able to support your friends and family.]

Another great example of this is working out. There is nothing pleasant about initially starting an exercise routine in the gym. Everything is sore, you’re uncertain how machines work, and you may even be embarrassed.

But it’s harder to stay overweight and unhealthy.

The ironic thing is if we allow ourselves to keep operating on auto-pilot, the choice is no longer ours. If we allow choices to be forced upon us instead of taking control and making choices for ourselves, we won’t always like the results.

How many of us have asked for “more freedom” or “more free time”?

Well, if we don’t do anything about it, the Universe may rearrange some things in response and we lose our job or our relationship. We have more time now, but is that exactly what we meant?

Maybe you “wish to live somewhere else”. Taking “control” would look like scoping out new areas that interest you, determining how much you’d need to save to make a move, or searching for a new roommate. On the other hand, the Universe may answer the call through an eviction.

If you think back to your past, I have no doubt you can find an example of this occurring in your own life. However, I want you to use this example simply as motivation. This is about making better choices moving forward, not sitting in the shame of the past.

Before making a decision, I want you to consider the consequences of that choice. 

Ask yourself some questions:

  • Which option is going to cause more damage?
  • Which option will keep me in discomfort longer?
  • Which option is going to cause long-term damage?
  • Which option may be hard, but create freedom and happiness?

Then it’s time to face your fears with a new set of questions:

  • Why am I willing to allow something outside of myself to choose for me?
  • What is it that’s keeping me from taking inspired action?
  • Why am I allowing this?
  • Why do I think this is the best I can do?

When you ask yourself these questions, I want you to go deeper. Ask why – 3 times, 5 times, 10 times, as many times as it takes for you to get to the feeling.

From here, it’s entirely your choice. You can choose to stay in fear and let the pieces fall where they may. Or…

You can take inspired action from a place of love, longing, desire, passion, and purpose. And even if you fall short, you are still on your way. You are still learning and gaining clarity on what you want.

If you know something needs to change but aren’t sure where to start or you feel defeated before you even begin – start with one small action step.

This one small step sends a message to the Universe that you are willing to create a new reality for yourself.

You’d be surprised how often the world opens up for those who take even the smallest step in a new direction.

You just have to take the first step.

As the beautiful Chinese proverb says, “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.”

Meet the Author

Hi! I’m Michelle!


I am an Emotional Liberation Life Coach guiding clients through releasing limitations and learning to work with their emotions so that they can show up more fully in every area of their lives.


Together we uncover what’s really holding you back – the blocks, the emotions, the fears – and work together so that you can show up as your best self.


Learn More About: 1:1 Coaching | Group Coaching

Read More From the Emotional Mastery Vault